Lets just get to talking about that unglamorous elephant in the room all moms know oh so well. Mom guilt is everywhere. I have two kids and with my first kid I found out a piece of this puzzle that I didn’t see before most of my mom guilt came from not what others thought of me but what I thought of me. With my first kid I had issues with milk production and I went through a depression when I decided to stop trying but a blessing came out of that I found a mom at a weekly group who was going through the same thing and we cried it out and decided so what if we can’t do that our babies will still be fed and happy. Then mom guilt came back in my second pregnancy in the form of a dark cloud called depression and everyone is so happy about this new baby but I just can’t find happiness anywhere. To this day I still fight with that and sad thing is I hid it for so long from people because I felt guilty and was afraid of them guilting me. Thing was when I came clean I found help. So remember sometimes mom guilt comes from other moms but if you are like me it can sometimes come from you.
Realities Of Parenting
Let’s get real about parenting for a second. The world shows us a very different picture than is true. It’s like growing up you have Leave It To Beaver with the perfect family and the perfect mom and dad and for some people that’s how they thought parenting should go. Well for me it was more seeing people I know for a few hours and wondering where I went wrong. However I am starting to realize two things there are no perfect parents or kids. Secondly is that we all lose our cool and it’s okay. Somedays are just plain hard and there is no sugar coating the day you have had and it’s okay to put the kids in their room/rooms and take a moment to do something to get your frustration out. As a person with anxiety and sometimes depression it can be easy to just have enough and get that little thought that says I am not good enough and I am failing. However I remind myself that God gave me these kids so apparently he knows I am what they need even when I don’t feel like I am. So remember moms we aren’t perfect but we are just what our kids need.
Feeling Lost
I think at times we all may feel lost. Like trying to fit into a schedule just makes it worse. I wanted to do a post every Monday but as you can tell it’s been a couple weeks and here I am. The thing was with doing a weekly blog I ran out of ideas or I just couldn’t find the time and after a while I just gave up. So I may be lost at this very moment but I know that at some point I won’t be anymore. I always keep a quote in my head when I talk about this and it will be at the bottom for all of you.
Weekly Motivation
Most days it’s easy to get bogged down but keep your head up. I know for me that a lot of days it just gets too much. The usual days just get too similar and it feels like I am on a hamster wheel that never ends. Life isn’t about what all you get accomplished or the day to day tasks that are always the same. Life is about learning and finding little things that you can be proud of. With the girls it’s that they are taking naps or the fact that they actually agreed on a tv show. Remember life is full of little things that make up all the big things. So go on with today and find your little thing that will make you remember you are important and you are doing great works.
Labels in Life
Life is full of labels and most of the time they are like little name tags that we wear around that we are aware of and sometimes not so much. I think its easy to label someone based on what they do for a living or what they drive or wear. I think everyone labels people whether they want to or not. We see someone in a nice car and say they must be doing good but its not always the case. I have found in my life that I post happy things on social media or show the nice things I have to keep me away from remembering the sad or hard stuff going on. Especially when the baby wasn’t doing to well but praise the Lord she is fine now. However I know people think that people who go on vacations or have nice things mean they are having the best time but I have been working on praying for those people because there are two side to every coin. So please before you label someone as losing or winning the life game think about life as a coin where they could be doing both at the same time.
The generation of my kids
When I was growing up I never thought that things would change so much. I also never thought I would be worrying about Disney and what they teach kids or kids cartoons. My oldest loves all things Disney from Mickey Mouse to all the princesses. She has told me numerous times her favorite is Snow White which now its all Moana all the time. So when I saw a Beauty and The Beast movie coming out I got excited because it was supposed to be something we could share but Disney then decided to shock me and remind me that this isn’t my generation. Growing up for me was a lot safer and we didn’t have to worry about Disney warping our minds or shaping our ideals on certain topics that are too big for us. I get that Disney wants to make a stand for the LGBT community and that’s fine and all but not with my three year old who just got potty trained. Disney has pushed the envelope too far this time. I get sad to think that I have to shelter my kids from movies that have ideas that just came out in adult shows and movies in the last 4 or 5 years. I really think that Disney should rethink about the age of people who they reach because not everyone is older and it’s that way because well the kids who started out watching Cinderella and The Lion King are now having kids of our own and we want our kids to be just that. I want my kids to grow accordingly not too fast because this time is precious and I only get it once. So I for once will not be supporting Disney because I think they have finally over stepped between the lines of making movies and teaching my kids things that I don’t want them to know just yet. I know this is a very ranty post and is nothing like my usual blog posts but I had to get it out before it festered in my brain anymore.
Mom’s time outs
I have talked about mom breaks before but I thought well why not talk about it again. During the time of waiting that we have done in this house I have been very stressed and very wore down. This weary nature has actually caused me to get sick and while I am sick I now understand how much trying to be strong can cost a mom. A time of waiting is not easy for any house but here it gets hard because not only am I being strong for the kid who is not sick but has symptoms that can come at any second. I am also having to be strong for the kid who has no clue what is going on she wants to comfort her sister because to her she is sick. Being strong however has consequences that no one mentions. Being strong causes a person to slip and become weak and more acceptable to sickness. This past weekend I took a time out and went to get my hair done. I got a cute cut that I love but the real thing that made me happy is the fact that hair salons are kids free. I just wanted to relax and let my stresses leave with the hair on the floor and then I got asked if I wanted to go back for a treatment on my hair and of course I jumped at that chance because I need some time to get my thoughts together so I can be strong for my babies as we go tomorrow for answers and if not answers than the next step. I am trusting the lord with my angel and I know that she is here for a reason. The story of Ariana (my youngest) is a great story and it’s a story about God’s love. I almost died giving birth to her but God didn’t let me die so I am here for a reason and so is she; So I don’t believe that the same God who would work so hard in bringing her into this world and giving me these two years with her would think that two years is enough time for her to do what she is called for. I hold true to the fact that God sees the future and he sees things I will never see.
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.
This has been my prayer during this time of waiting when I have felt like I was being ignored or just plain shocked that this was going on but I now know of trust and I will wait upon the lord for I know he is good.
Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Playing through this season of wait
My kids have no clue what is going on we have made sure that things go as smoothly as possible. However my oldest just learned of sickness so she thinks everyone is sick. Since we got the news about the youngest we have let our kids play more so we can worry less. They have friends that they play so well together and we have just been having fun being a typical country family. Most days I can forget that we are waiting for results in a week that we will find out what our next step is because well when you see the face of a kid playing and trying and when the symptoms she has due to her liver are usually only once a day than its hard to remember the battle her body is fighting. Its sad knowing that she was growing like any other baby and then she wasn’t. I thought she was a great weight but that wasn’t the case. She is super tiny and its okay. She is the last baby and so she gets to be the size of a baby a little longer. However she is very smart and very happy all the time. She has been teething for the last few months with no tears or symptoms. Its hard to forget on the bad days that this is all going on but on the good days its a happy time full of joy and amazement. So while we can we are letting our kids be kids and are letting them play through this season because only God knows what next week brings and I don’t want to hinder him in working a miracle or make blessings out of this situation that we weren’t expecting or prepared for.
Taking breaks
This past weekend was all about taking breaks. The girls went to Gigi’s house so me and the husband could actually get some time to ourselves. It was nice we made a reservation at a restaurant and dressed up and enjoyed our time together. The nice thing about these weekends is that we don’t talk about the issues and the scary stuff that we deal with everyday. We talk about the small things and we just bask in the fact that we can eat a whole meal complete with a molten chocolate cake without the girls wanting some. Also its nice because well my mother in law is amazing at spoiling my children she gives them the cereals I don’t (sugary stuff) and she gives them baths and massages them. I used to try to do those things to when I would hear what she did it sounded awesome and I tried in the beginning to do all of that and be the mom who would read stories every night but then I realized it just wasn’t fun for any of us. My kids like the structure they have at home and then they have a different structure elsewhere that they know by heart. Like my oldest said the first night she was away she was in her bed at her Gigi’s she goes “I need monkey and music please.” It’s because that is her norm there and it’s what she knows. So to every mom who hears some awesome idea and tries it and it doesn’t work don’t lose heart. Every mom is a mom to her child and must do what is right for her child. No two parents are alike just like no two children are alike.
Smiling in the wait
As a family we have had our fair share of ups and downs and we have always handled them the same; We keep going and don’t stop life. Yesterday we celebrated Ariana’s second birthday it was tons of fun and she was all laughs. Its that laugh and smile that keeps me going. I am so happy to know that no matter what is going on internally that she finds the time to smile. All I could think of for the last week was how my kid was stronger than both of us at the time of all of this. She looked for me to be strong and I was trying to and failed but she was able to be a big girl and take it all in stride. When we went to get her blood work done on Wednesday she cried for a few minutes then curled in on me and then went to talking to the nurses. That’s when I saw more than just a stubborn kid that’s when I saw that she is kind and she is caring. The whole time we were at the hospital waiting room she would say hi to everyone who passed by. Then yesterday at her party she was all smiles and she even learned a few new words. This got me thinking if she is this happy how can she be so sick. As a family we are trying to keep her as happy as we can. We spoil her give her a few more cuddles and we do what we can to make life run more smoothly. The awful side effects of her enlarged liver luckily stayed away until after the party and so she got to have hours of fun before we went back to watching how much water she drinks and everything else that comes with this awful issue. However seeing my baby grow up and show more strength in all this makes me happy and curious how all this will end. 
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