Let’s get real about parenting for a second. The world shows us a very different picture than is true. It’s like growing up you have Leave It To Beaver with the perfect family and the perfect mom and dad and for some people that’s how they thought parenting should go. Well for me it was more seeing people I know for a few hours and wondering where I went wrong. However I am starting to realize two things there are no perfect parents or kids. Secondly is that we all lose our cool and it’s okay. Somedays are just plain hard and there is no sugar coating the day you have had and it’s okay to put the kids in their room/rooms and take a moment to do something to get your frustration out. As a person with anxiety and sometimes depression it can be easy to just have enough and get that little thought that says I am not good enough and I am failing. However I remind myself that God gave me these kids so apparently he knows I am what they need even when I don’t feel like I am. So remember moms we aren’t perfect but we are just what our kids need.
I have talked about mom breaks before but I thought well why not talk about it again. During the time of waiting that we have done in this house I have been very stressed and very wore down. This weary nature has actually caused me to get sick and while I am sick I now understand how much trying to be strong can cost a mom. A time of waiting is not easy for any house but here it gets hard because not only am I being strong for the kid who is not sick but has symptoms that can come at any second. I am also having to be strong for the kid who has no clue what is going on she wants to comfort her sister because to her she is sick. Being strong however has consequences that no one mentions. Being strong causes a person to slip and become weak and more acceptable to sickness. This past weekend I took a time out and went to get my hair done. I got a cute cut that I love but the real thing that made me happy is the fact that hair salons are kids free. I just wanted to relax and let my stresses leave with the hair on the floor and then I got asked if I wanted to go back for a treatment on my hair and of course I jumped at that chance because I need some time to get my thoughts together so I can be strong for my babies as we go tomorrow for answers and if not answers than the next step. I am trusting the lord with my angel and I know that she is here for a reason. The story of Ariana (my youngest) is a great story and it’s a story about God’s love. I almost died giving birth to her but God didn’t let me die so I am here for a reason and so is she; So I don’t believe that the same God who would work so hard in bringing her into this world and giving me these two years with her would think that two years is enough time for her to do what she is called for. I hold true to the fact that God sees the future and he sees things I will never see.
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.
This has been my prayer during this time of waiting when I have felt like I was being ignored or just plain shocked that this was going on but I now know of trust and I will wait upon the lord for I know he is good.
This past weekend was all about taking breaks. The girls went to Gigi’s house so me and the husband could actually get some time to ourselves. It was nice we made a reservation at a restaurant and dressed up and enjoyed our time together. The nice thing about these weekends is that we don’t talk about the issues and the scary stuff that we deal with everyday. We talk about the small things and we just bask in the fact that we can eat a whole meal complete with a molten chocolate cake without the girls wanting some. Also its nice because well my mother in law is amazing at spoiling my children she gives them the cereals I don’t (sugary stuff) and she gives them baths and massages them. I used to try to do those things to when I would hear what she did it sounded awesome and I tried in the beginning to do all of that and be the mom who would read stories every night but then I realized it just wasn’t fun for any of us. My kids like the structure they have at home and then they have a different structure elsewhere that they know by heart. Like my oldest said the first night she was away she was in her bed at her Gigi’s she goes “I need monkey and music please.” It’s because that is her norm there and it’s what she knows. So to every mom who hears some awesome idea and tries it and it doesn’t work don’t lose heart. Every mom is a mom to her child and must do what is right for her child. No two parents are alike just like no two children are alike.
Why is it in life doctors think its okay to make parents wait? I mean they have all the results they know more than we do and they don’t tell us more than the cliff notes of said results. I go in with my two year old for a check up and get told that her liver is enlarged and that her liver levels are high. I don’t want to know medical jargon I want to know the dumbed down version. I want to know what is wrong with my happy full of life child. I want to know why she is having to go back for a followup but most of all I am wondering why I am having to wait on all of the answers instead of planning her birthday. Hasn’t she been through enough? So as I sit here waiting I feel for all other moms who have or are in the same boat as me because not knowing sucks but so does having to be the strength for everyone. I can’t cry in front of the little ones so when I want to cry I have to hold it together till nap time. Sad part of all this is while I was supposed to be planning a cute birthday party for the baby that makes my life interesting I can’t because of my worry and stress. So praise the lord for family because thanks to them I am not alone planning a party and thanks to them my princess gets to be a princess for a day no matter what we find out next month this month she is a princess.
The definition of social anxiety is this :Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. The definition of anxiety is this: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. However someone who is living with both of these things will tell you its a lot different. I found out about my severe anxiety when I was pregnant with my youngest it started as depression and then it became anxiety. I would feel uneasy when people would walk near me or just the smallest noise would make me jump. Then as time went on that anxiety turned into social anxiety. I didn’t want to leave the house and I just really didn’t want to be bothered. I don’t like talking to people for fear that I may say something stupid or may stutter or that my accent may make me come off as stupid. However its more than that its hard for me to order a pizza or call a doctors office because I start to shake and just can barely produce sound because of my anxiety. I kind of miss being the fun loving individual I was before I got to where I am now. My doctors mainly want to medicate instead of help and I just don’t know how that is supposed to help. I do know this it has to get better at some point and so if you are in the same boat know that as well.
So my plan was to start motivational Mondays where I give all of my readers a good boost for the start of the day; Well that didn’t happen. My internet went down and I just wasn’t able to get it up so I decided why not write about when life doesn’t go according to plan. I have had a life of those moments when I was in college I thought I knew what I wanted to do but come to find out I didn’t; I hated my major and never finished and funny thing is I just figured out what I want to do with my life. However everybody has these moments where we have a plan and something doesn’t go right but its okay because today is a new day and we can all pick ourselves up by our boot straps and try again. That’s what a new year is all about. We make all these crazy new year resolutions and then when January comes and we don’t meet the expectations we have for ourselves we get down and beat ourselves up but why don’t we instead say “Hey at least I tried and today is a new day and I can try again today.” Change doesn’t happen over night and if my life of craziness has taught me anything God has a crazy sense of humor. While I was in college me and my husband (then boyfriend) got pregnant with our first child it wasn’t what we expected but it’s what I needed.
Then 18 months later God decided to show his crazy sense of humor again and gave me another baby girl and now I can say so what if things don’t go the way you expect because it can get better and you can change the problem or something better may come along.
In my last blog I talked about ways I relax and taking time for ones self so I decided to talk about the homemade bath salts I use. I have a special jar that I put mine in where my husband before we got married made a jar of all my favorite scents and then wrote all the reasons he loves me. First thing you will need is a jar I use one from a craft store. Then you want to feel it up with Epson salt and take whatever essential oil you want I always use lavender because it’s my favorite and use as many drops as needed to make it where you like the smell (I use five or six). Then if you would like you can add food coloring to color it to a nice shade. You can also do this in tiers. Just put a little salt in put essential oil and keep doing that and add colors for tiers. That is how mine started but then once the layers was gone I started using lavender. I hope this helps and remember you time is essential and needed.