I have talked about mom breaks before but I thought well why not talk about it again. During the time of waiting that we have done in this house I have been very stressed and very wore down. This weary nature has actually caused me to get sick and while I am sick I now understand how much trying to be strong can cost a mom. A time of waiting is not easy for any house but here it gets hard because not only am I being strong for the kid who is not sick but has symptoms that can come at any second. I am also having to be strong for the kid who has no clue what is going on she wants to comfort her sister because to her she is sick. Being strong however has consequences that no one mentions. Being strong causes a person to slip and become weak and more acceptable to sickness. This past weekend I took a time out and went to get my hair done. I got a cute cut that I love but the real thing that made me happy is the fact that hair salons are kids free. I just wanted to relax and let my stresses leave with the hair on the floor and then I got asked if I wanted to go back for a treatment on my hair and of course I jumped at that chance because I need some time to get my thoughts together so I can be strong for my babies as we go tomorrow for answers and if not answers than the next step. I am trusting the lord with my angel and I know that she is here for a reason. The story of Ariana (my youngest) is a great story and it’s a story about God’s love. I almost died giving birth to her but God didn’t let me die so I am here for a reason and so is she; So I don’t believe that the same God who would work so hard in bringing her into this world and giving me these two years with her would think that two years is enough time for her to do what she is called for. I hold true to the fact that God sees the future and he sees things I will never see.
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.
This has been my prayer during this time of waiting when I have felt like I was being ignored or just plain shocked that this was going on but I now know of trust and I will wait upon the lord for I know he is good.
Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!
My kids have no clue what is going on we have made sure that things go as smoothly as possible. However my oldest just learned of sickness so she thinks everyone is sick. Since we got the news about the youngest we have let our kids play more so we can worry less. They have friends that they play so well together and we have just been having fun being a typical country family. Most days I can forget that we are waiting for results in a week that we will find out what our next step is because well when you see the face of a kid playing and trying and when the symptoms she has due to her liver are usually only once a day than its hard to remember the battle her body is fighting. Its sad knowing that she was growing like any other baby and then she wasn’t. I thought she was a great weight but that wasn’t the case. She is super tiny and its okay. She is the last baby and so she gets to be the size of a baby a little longer. However she is very smart and very happy all the time. She has been teething for the last few months with no tears or symptoms. Its hard to forget on the bad days that this is all going on but on the good days its a happy time full of joy and amazement. So while we can we are letting our kids be kids and are letting them play through this season because only God knows what next week brings and I don’t want to hinder him in working a miracle or make blessings out of this situation that we weren’t expecting or prepared for.
Why is it in life doctors think its okay to make parents wait? I mean they have all the results they know more than we do and they don’t tell us more than the cliff notes of said results. I go in with my two year old for a check up and get told that her liver is enlarged and that her liver levels are high. I don’t want to know medical jargon I want to know the dumbed down version. I want to know what is wrong with my happy full of life child. I want to know why she is having to go back for a followup but most of all I am wondering why I am having to wait on all of the answers instead of planning her birthday. Hasn’t she been through enough? So as I sit here waiting I feel for all other moms who have or are in the same boat as me because not knowing sucks but so does having to be the strength for everyone. I can’t cry in front of the little ones so when I want to cry I have to hold it together till nap time. Sad part of all this is while I was supposed to be planning a cute birthday party for the baby that makes my life interesting I can’t because of my worry and stress. So praise the lord for family because thanks to them I am not alone planning a party and thanks to them my princess gets to be a princess for a day no matter what we find out next month this month she is a princess.