Let’s get real about parenting for a second. The world shows us a very different picture than is true. It’s like growing up you have Leave It To Beaver with the perfect family and the perfect mom and dad and for some people that’s how they thought parenting should go. Well for me it was more seeing people I know for a few hours and wondering where I went wrong. However I am starting to realize two things there are no perfect parents or kids. Secondly is that we all lose our cool and it’s okay. Somedays are just plain hard and there is no sugar coating the day you have had and it’s okay to put the kids in their room/rooms and take a moment to do something to get your frustration out. As a person with anxiety and sometimes depression it can be easy to just have enough and get that little thought that says I am not good enough and I am failing. However I remind myself that God gave me these kids so apparently he knows I am what they need even when I don’t feel like I am. So remember moms we aren’t perfect but we are just what our kids need.
When I was growing up I never thought that things would change so much. I also never thought I would be worrying about Disney and what they teach kids or kids cartoons. My oldest loves all things Disney from Mickey Mouse to all the princesses. She has told me numerous times her favorite is Snow White which now its all Moana all the time. So when I saw a Beauty and The Beast movie coming out I got excited because it was supposed to be something we could share but Disney then decided to shock me and remind me that this isn’t my generation. Growing up for me was a lot safer and we didn’t have to worry about Disney warping our minds or shaping our ideals on certain topics that are too big for us. I get that Disney wants to make a stand for the LGBT community and that’s fine and all but not with my three year old who just got potty trained. Disney has pushed the envelope too far this time. I get sad to think that I have to shelter my kids from movies that have ideas that just came out in adult shows and movies in the last 4 or 5 years. I really think that Disney should rethink about the age of people who they reach because not everyone is older and it’s that way because well the kids who started out watching Cinderella and The Lion King are now having kids of our own and we want our kids to be just that. I want my kids to grow accordingly not too fast because this time is precious and I only get it once. So I for once will not be supporting Disney because I think they have finally over stepped between the lines of making movies and teaching my kids things that I don’t want them to know just yet. I know this is a very ranty post and is nothing like my usual blog posts but I had to get it out before it festered in my brain anymore.
My kids have no clue what is going on we have made sure that things go as smoothly as possible. However my oldest just learned of sickness so she thinks everyone is sick. Since we got the news about the youngest we have let our kids play more so we can worry less. They have friends that they play so well together and we have just been having fun being a typical country family. Most days I can forget that we are waiting for results in a week that we will find out what our next step is because well when you see the face of a kid playing and trying and when the symptoms she has due to her liver are usually only once a day than its hard to remember the battle her body is fighting. Its sad knowing that she was growing like any other baby and then she wasn’t. I thought she was a great weight but that wasn’t the case. She is super tiny and its okay. She is the last baby and so she gets to be the size of a baby a little longer. However she is very smart and very happy all the time. She has been teething for the last few months with no tears or symptoms. Its hard to forget on the bad days that this is all going on but on the good days its a happy time full of joy and amazement. So while we can we are letting our kids be kids and are letting them play through this season because only God knows what next week brings and I don’t want to hinder him in working a miracle or make blessings out of this situation that we weren’t expecting or prepared for.
This past weekend was all about taking breaks. The girls went to Gigi’s house so me and the husband could actually get some time to ourselves. It was nice we made a reservation at a restaurant and dressed up and enjoyed our time together. The nice thing about these weekends is that we don’t talk about the issues and the scary stuff that we deal with everyday. We talk about the small things and we just bask in the fact that we can eat a whole meal complete with a molten chocolate cake without the girls wanting some. Also its nice because well my mother in law is amazing at spoiling my children she gives them the cereals I don’t (sugary stuff) and she gives them baths and massages them. I used to try to do those things to when I would hear what she did it sounded awesome and I tried in the beginning to do all of that and be the mom who would read stories every night but then I realized it just wasn’t fun for any of us. My kids like the structure they have at home and then they have a different structure elsewhere that they know by heart. Like my oldest said the first night she was away she was in her bed at her Gigi’s she goes “I need monkey and music please.” It’s because that is her norm there and it’s what she knows. So to every mom who hears some awesome idea and tries it and it doesn’t work don’t lose heart. Every mom is a mom to her child and must do what is right for her child. No two parents are alike just like no two children are alike.
As a family we have had our fair share of ups and downs and we have always handled them the same; We keep going and don’t stop life. Yesterday we celebrated Ariana’s second birthday it was tons of fun and she was all laughs. Its that laugh and smile that keeps me going. I am so happy to know that no matter what is going on internally that she finds the time to smile. All I could think of for the last week was how my kid was stronger than both of us at the time of all of this. She looked for me to be strong and I was trying to and failed but she was able to be a big girl and take it all in stride. When we went to get her blood work done on Wednesday she cried for a few minutes then curled in on me and then went to talking to the nurses. That’s when I saw more than just a stubborn kid that’s when I saw that she is kind and she is caring. The whole time we were at the hospital waiting room she would say hi to everyone who passed by. Then yesterday at her party she was all smiles and she even learned a few new words. This got me thinking if she is this happy how can she be so sick. As a family we are trying to keep her as happy as we can. We spoil her give her a few more cuddles and we do what we can to make life run more smoothly. The awful side effects of her enlarged liver luckily stayed away until after the party and so she got to have hours of fun before we went back to watching how much water she drinks and everything else that comes with this awful issue. However seeing my baby grow up and show more strength in all this makes me happy and curious how all this will end.
Why is it in life doctors think its okay to make parents wait? I mean they have all the results they know more than we do and they don’t tell us more than the cliff notes of said results. I go in with my two year old for a check up and get told that her liver is enlarged and that her liver levels are high. I don’t want to know medical jargon I want to know the dumbed down version. I want to know what is wrong with my happy full of life child. I want to know why she is having to go back for a followup but most of all I am wondering why I am having to wait on all of the answers instead of planning her birthday. Hasn’t she been through enough? So as I sit here waiting I feel for all other moms who have or are in the same boat as me because not knowing sucks but so does having to be the strength for everyone. I can’t cry in front of the little ones so when I want to cry I have to hold it together till nap time. Sad part of all this is while I was supposed to be planning a cute birthday party for the baby that makes my life interesting I can’t because of my worry and stress. So praise the lord for family because thanks to them I am not alone planning a party and thanks to them my princess gets to be a princess for a day no matter what we find out next month this month she is a princess.
Life is full of complications and ways that things can not go according to plan. Especially when you become a parent and work as well. I try to keep a schedule of posting every week but last week that didn’t happen and this week well its only Monday and I feel like I am running on fumes already so we will see. The thing is that even when schedules change there is still a way to be okay. I didn’t post last week because well life happened. Both my kids got sick with different things and well they needed me and how can I give motivation to others when well my kids needed my motivational talks. They needed to know that they aren’t failing because they backtracked and weren’t able to do things that they should be able to do at their ages. My oldest is very hard on herself and always has been. She is my perfectionist so she has trouble with change and backtracking. She is also very independent she loves to take care of problems herself without asking for help so last week was a nightmare for her because going alone wasn’t an option. I spent most days reminding her what I needed to remind myself its okay to not be perfect its okay to backtrack and not do everything according to plan. My youngest is what I wish I could be she is the calm one out of us she goes with the flow and so she is the balance in out crazy unbalanced house. I guess in summary what I am saying is that its okay to have complications because it is what makes us human and adaptable.