This past weekend was all about taking breaks. The girls went to Gigi’s house so me and the husband could actually get some time to ourselves. It was nice we made a reservation at a restaurant and dressed up and enjoyed our time together. The nice thing about these weekends is that we don’t talk about the issues and the scary stuff that we deal with everyday. We talk about the small things and we just bask in the fact that we can eat a whole meal complete with a molten chocolate cake without the girls wanting some. Also its nice because well my mother in law is amazing at spoiling my children she gives them the cereals I don’t (sugary stuff) and she gives them baths and massages them. I used to try to do those things to when I would hear what she did it sounded awesome and I tried in the beginning to do all of that and be the mom who would read stories every night but then I realized it just wasn’t fun for any of us. My kids like the structure they have at home and then they have a different structure elsewhere that they know by heart. Like my oldest said the first night she was away she was in her bed at her Gigi’s she goes “I need monkey and music please.” It’s because that is her norm there and it’s what she knows. So to every mom who hears some awesome idea and tries it and it doesn’t work don’t lose heart. Every mom is a mom to her child and must do what is right for her child. No two parents are alike just like no two children are alike.
As a family we have had our fair share of ups and downs and we have always handled them the same; We keep going and don’t stop life. Yesterday we celebrated Ariana’s second birthday it was tons of fun and she was all laughs. Its that laugh and smile that keeps me going. I am so happy to know that no matter what is going on internally that she finds the time to smile. All I could think of for the last week was how my kid was stronger than both of us at the time of all of this. She looked for me to be strong and I was trying to and failed but she was able to be a big girl and take it all in stride. When we went to get her blood work done on Wednesday she cried for a few minutes then curled in on me and then went to talking to the nurses. That’s when I saw more than just a stubborn kid that’s when I saw that she is kind and she is caring. The whole time we were at the hospital waiting room she would say hi to everyone who passed by. Then yesterday at her party she was all smiles and she even learned a few new words. This got me thinking if she is this happy how can she be so sick. As a family we are trying to keep her as happy as we can. We spoil her give her a few more cuddles and we do what we can to make life run more smoothly. The awful side effects of her enlarged liver luckily stayed away until after the party and so she got to have hours of fun before we went back to watching how much water she drinks and everything else that comes with this awful issue. However seeing my baby grow up and show more strength in all this makes me happy and curious how all this will end.
Why is it in life doctors think its okay to make parents wait? I mean they have all the results they know more than we do and they don’t tell us more than the cliff notes of said results. I go in with my two year old for a check up and get told that her liver is enlarged and that her liver levels are high. I don’t want to know medical jargon I want to know the dumbed down version. I want to know what is wrong with my happy full of life child. I want to know why she is having to go back for a followup but most of all I am wondering why I am having to wait on all of the answers instead of planning her birthday. Hasn’t she been through enough? So as I sit here waiting I feel for all other moms who have or are in the same boat as me because not knowing sucks but so does having to be the strength for everyone. I can’t cry in front of the little ones so when I want to cry I have to hold it together till nap time. Sad part of all this is while I was supposed to be planning a cute birthday party for the baby that makes my life interesting I can’t because of my worry and stress. So praise the lord for family because thanks to them I am not alone planning a party and thanks to them my princess gets to be a princess for a day no matter what we find out next month this month she is a princess.
Today’s word was expectation and that was just like wow that is pretty much what my posts are mainly about so I wanted to write about what that means to me. I think once you graduate from high school and even before people start to have expectations for you. Its rather sad that it happens but it does. For me it started in middle school. I made very good grades I had honor roll almost from middle school on to high school and so when I would get one C my mom would ground me and make me feel horrible. However that wasn’t what was the hardest that would be when my dad made a comment that I think he meant as a joke but I of course being young took it to heart. He told me that if I kept my grades up that I would have to apply at Harvard. Well of course I took him seriously and for a long time I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. Well I went to college for Criminal Justice and took a few law classes and even worked at a law firm but later decided it wasn’t for me. So I dropped out of college which of course wasn’t my parents expectation for my life. After that I became a mom and then realized that the only person who expects things out of you then is yourself and as I know all to well you become your worst critic. I would see how others were doing something and then say “Why am I not doing that?”. I later realized that life is full of expectations but that none of us are perfect and sometimes we will meant expectations but sometimes we won’t and that is okay.
Life is full of complications and ways that things can not go according to plan. Especially when you become a parent and work as well. I try to keep a schedule of posting every week but last week that didn’t happen and this week well its only Monday and I feel like I am running on fumes already so we will see. The thing is that even when schedules change there is still a way to be okay. I didn’t post last week because well life happened. Both my kids got sick with different things and well they needed me and how can I give motivation to others when well my kids needed my motivational talks. They needed to know that they aren’t failing because they backtracked and weren’t able to do things that they should be able to do at their ages. My oldest is very hard on herself and always has been. She is my perfectionist so she has trouble with change and backtracking. She is also very independent she loves to take care of problems herself without asking for help so last week was a nightmare for her because going alone wasn’t an option. I spent most days reminding her what I needed to remind myself its okay to not be perfect its okay to backtrack and not do everything according to plan. My youngest is what I wish I could be she is the calm one out of us she goes with the flow and so she is the balance in out crazy unbalanced house. I guess in summary what I am saying is that its okay to have complications because it is what makes us human and adaptable.
I have actually done something that would scare most people with anxiety I have done new things. This week I decided instead of doing the easy things like I am used to doing I decided why not leave my comfort zone and actually cook new things. Okay before you go wow its nothing too gigantic I just cooked basic things that I have never done before. My lovely three year old woke up yesterday and asked for an egg. She loves to eat boiled eggs or scrambled eggs for breakfast but there was just one issue I am not the one who cooks those things for my kids and the reason being I have never done it before. Having anxiety has made me never want to learn how to cook these simple things for my kids. Yesterday I decided to put my fears aside and try to boil an egg and to my surprise it didn’t go horrible. My kids ate the two I made them apiece and then begged for more. Then today I decided to scramble up some eggs for them and again it didn’t go horrible. I think taking baby steps to get out of my comfort zone may be what it takes to get the old me back. I mean I don’t really have many friends due to being a stay at home mom and I just like to be a recluse at work because I don’t like to mix the two things. So maybe if I can get out of my comfort zone a bit more maybe I can open up to other people and try to fix what few friendships I have. The reason I say fix them is mainly because I am the friend who never calls or texts people when I say I will because I am always afraid of how it will turn out. I hate awkward silences or having to come up with small talk so it kind of makes calling people not an option for me. I love to text and most of my family understand that. Its easier to text someone and then leave it there and let the ball be in someone else’s court so that I don’t have to worry if someone doesn’t respond because I had started the conversation.
“Sometimes quiet people really do have a lot to say … they’re just being careful about who they open up to.” Susan Gale
The definition of social anxiety is this :Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. The definition of anxiety is this: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. However someone who is living with both of these things will tell you its a lot different. I found out about my severe anxiety when I was pregnant with my youngest it started as depression and then it became anxiety. I would feel uneasy when people would walk near me or just the smallest noise would make me jump. Then as time went on that anxiety turned into social anxiety. I didn’t want to leave the house and I just really didn’t want to be bothered. I don’t like talking to people for fear that I may say something stupid or may stutter or that my accent may make me come off as stupid. However its more than that its hard for me to order a pizza or call a doctors office because I start to shake and just can barely produce sound because of my anxiety. I kind of miss being the fun loving individual I was before I got to where I am now. My doctors mainly want to medicate instead of help and I just don’t know how that is supposed to help. I do know this it has to get better at some point and so if you are in the same boat know that as well.